chanasarah
Jul. 19th, 2007
11:13 am - The rest of days
What am I going to do!! Tomorrow is the very last day of camp. I have absolutely NOTHING planned after this. Her preschool is not continuing next year and I have to do a search for some place now for the fall and hope all the spots aren't already taken, I need to get summer plans before I pull my hair out, and I have to find the $ to do all this. Aaaaggghhhh!
Stress. Sigh.
Jul. 12th, 2007
06:13 am - Sleepness Nights
I walk around all day, my eyes opening a little less as each day passes. But yet, here it is at 6:15 in the morning, and I just cannot seem to sleep. The few hours I did sleep were filled with constant, vivid dreams. I don't remember much of them, but enough to keep me from feeling rested. Perhaps I can talk to my dr. (okay, I will be talking to my sister) about getting some prescribed assistance. Although, I don't know if I want to be drugged up.
I am so unsure of what if floating in my head. I so love and appreciate my family, but I so hate this constant state of flux. I don't know what is going on with Grandma. I want to spend time in the hospital with her, but I don't want her prolonged in a state pain, discomfort, and perpetual hold. She has been a fighter all her life. From the early years and her brothers being killed by the cossaks, to crawling up the loft to sleep curled next to the chimney to stay warm, to crossing the bitterly cold romanian mountains, having her sister sent back from Ellis Island to Germany where she would later be killed, to raising an amazing family here in the states. Just by the # of people sitting in the ICU waiting room at any given time, it is so obvious that she is loved.
My LA cousin was talking about how grandma was such a part of our lives growing up. Mind you, she did live walking distance, and we were so far away (8 miles) she was a constant in our lives. She didn't visit for the big things, she was there for everything. Every birthday, every recital, every stupid school play, when we lost a tooth, when our folks went on vacation it was her way we stayed. She took me to the ballet, accompanied us to shows, dinners, everything. Aw we got older, it was hard not going out on Friday night because dinner at Grandma's was a mandate. Later, compromise struck in and we could go to the football games after dinner. Friends always had to come in and say hi before ever leaving.
Grandma took me to Pirates of Penzance for my 16th birthday. She was there when I graduated high school, graduated college, moved to Pittsburgh, LA, got married, and was so anxious to meet my children. As the mind has been seeping out every year she has had a harder time remembering the names of her great-grandchildren...well damn, there are 17 of them. Miriam, though, she never forgot. My little Golda Miriam, named for her two sisters was a name she never forgot. Will she have a chance to remember it again? I don't know. I know that at nearly 35, I am so blessed to have had grandma for all these years. I would love a few more, but if she is needed to take care of my little boy and rejoin grandpa, then I am okay with that, too. It won't be easy, but I am so at peace with how much I have loved her and how much she is a part of all that I have become.
For those of you who have made it to the end of the post, I apologize for not using an LJ cut, but I am too tired now to look up how to do it. M - if you are reading this and wish to edit in a cut, I am cool with that.
My love to you, my LJ family.
12:18 am - Mercy
"Mercy" isn't that what we used to yell as kids when the play had gotten to the point that we quit? We used to play wrestle all the time, and somehow, I used to frequently be the "mercy" caller. I was tough, but just not a physical fighter. My fight strength was always more internal.
But, "Mercy" is what I shout today. Either that or just send me in a time machine to start this trip all over again. As if this weekend wasn't hard enough, my grandmother fell ill this weekend. Mind you, she is 97 and has lived an amazing life, has an incredibly huge family that stays close (just ask M!), and so many people who love her. Monday morning she had a massive heart attack, and after about 30 minutes of CPR was revived. She is currently on a respirator and has about 25% function of her heart. It has been a long and draining week waiting in the waiting room at the ICU. I don't know where my mother draws her strength from, but she must have shown me the way once.
I am planning on leaving for home this weekend, but nothing I have planned has been very meaningful lately. It just doesn't seem worth it right now.
OH, and to top it off, my gorgeous child (yeah, I know, which one!)decided it would be fun to drop Mommy's phone between the solid wood bench and the wall at the resteraunt tonight. I guess it isn't a new thing, cause the waiter seemed to laugh and say this wasn't the first time - but I would still have to wait until tomorrow afternoon when they could get someone in there to move the booth. Ugh!
WEll, it is off to bed for me. Tomorrow has to get better, right?
Jul. 8th, 2007
06:51 am - Sadness
A deep sadness fills my heart today. It is not my physical discomfort, my loss, regrets, or sense of what could have been, but the indescribable pain I see on my little girl's face. Her precious smile, youthful laugh, naive love of everything that has been replaced by trying to understand something she never should have had to. It is hard to go to a store and constantly say no, we can't buy that, but to tell her no, we can't have that now rips my deep inside.
I wish I could heal her pain and the pain of her daddy. I wish I could fill the wholes left behind in each of their hearts. I have such love for those I can now call "my family." Our little unit that we have created together, been raising together. We are, in this time of loss, really truly a family. Leaning on one another, recognizing that we each must grieve alone, together, and each in our own way. None of us entitled to more pain, or a greater sense of loss, but each of us recognizing and looking out for the sadness in each other.
The support we have received from family and friends has been incredible, and I know we will be looking for continued support as we return home.
Today, M & I will be going to the cemetary. Just us. I need him and I know he needs me. I have never loved him more than I do right now. He is a wonderful dad, husband, man, and friend. I truly cherish him in my life and the two beautiful lives he has given me.
Jun. 26th, 2007
10:04 pm
Wow, it has been a really long time since I hav eeither posted or read my journal. It is amazing how much mental and physical energy a one year old can zap from you. I think back at when Elyse was this age, and I remember being a basket case. She was on her feet all the time, in to everything, and always on the go. Now, having 2 with one in to everything - holy moly!
BB is growing well and gets regular check ups as I have a sono once a week these days. There is some concern he may be "large" but he is still within the 60th percentile - so obviously not as big as 40% of the other fetus' his age.
A friend wants to throw me a shower - don't know how I feel about it. Could be fun, but it feels kind of weird, too. Ah, what to do...
Jun. 3rd, 2007
Mar. 14th, 2007
Dec. 19th, 2006
06:54 pm - Britney moment
Damn, I feel like a really bad Britney Spears joke. "Oops I did it again!"
I love my girls, I do. M is really developing an adorable personality and loves her big sister! But, damn, I was not ready for her to become a big sister already, but I guess I don't really have a choice!!
Yeah, yeah, I know...it is the 21st Century, sure I have a choice, but really, I don't. I know I could never live with the consequences of that choice. I know that it doesn't really matter what I plan in life, my life has always led me in the direction I am supposed to be going in. I didn't ever plan to move out west - sure as hell not out to kooky California. I never planned on seeing ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
hardpoint a second time, let alone dating him, and would certainly not have planned on marrying him, but life has shown me the folly of my ways, the humor in my trying to plan. Bend, OR - yeah right...not on my radar, but would trade the experience for the world.
So, yeah, baby 3 is growing as we speak. Of course, I shouldn't be eating for 2, but damn if I don't seem to be hungry all the time...gotta get the freakin tester out of the garage again and kill the carbs - okay, just choose the good, non-processed carbs that have fiber and other good stuff....
btw, the doctor's range is Aug 5-10...but if baby 3 takes after baby 2, it could be early July - heaven help me!! Maybe baby 3 will really take after me and come late August. (I was 2 1/2 weeks late! - I knew I had a good thing, room, board, constant warmth, security, where was I in a rush to go?)
sillyNov. 11th, 2006
12:10 am - Racism is Alive & Well
"Fighting Illini", o.k, I get it, the team is named after the tribes that once lived here. NCAA doesn't like the "Chief Illini." NCAA feels it is offensive. It is almost every night on the news. They show the mascot - guy in Indian head dress, dancing a "war dance." O.k. doesn't sit well with me - maybe, though the dance is based on this guy, maybe, somehow it was once respectful.
The news doesn't say anything other than the fact that people want to keep the Chief because, well, it has always been the chief, it's tradition. I finally got frustrated enough to look up the history online. Holy shit - There was no "Chief Illiniwek." There was no tribe, the "illni." The group of tribes in this area including the Cahokia, Kaskaskia, Tamaora, Peoria, and Michigamea were known as the illoinia.
The whole tradition of the chief, the dance, the war paint, etc. all came out of the 1920's. If the Walt Disney company could realize there was a reason to pull Song of the South, why can't the University - full of academic folk - realize that it may be time to shelve the chief? Why don't we have a bunch of big nosed Jews running around searching for pennies? Why don't we get a couple of black folk to pick some cotton? Or why not get a bunch of Italians to show up in mafia suits.
How can they not report on the fact that this history is tainted by a time period rampant with racism. Why fight so hard to hold on to something that isn't real?
Nov. 10th, 2006
11:10 pm - Resolutions
I am so thankful for my regular doctor's appointment! It may be cheaper than Weight Watchers, I'm not sure, but it is as effective. My stress induced anxiety keeps my blood pressure from keeping me on the weight meds, but at least it gives me a chance to say, "shit" I have got to get myself back on track.
I have made the following resolutions. Feel free to hold me to any of them:
1. NO Soda. I must give up the caffeine and the carbonation! Besides, there ain't nothing good in it.
2. I must get back to thinking about what goes in my mouth (well, that I swallow or CHEW).
3. I must not snack. 3 meals, with 2 mini meals/snacks and not just eat to fulfill boredom!
4. I have got to remember that I and my girls are worth it.
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