chanasarah

11:13 am - The rest of days

What am I going to do!! Tomorrow is the very last day of camp. I have absolutely NOTHING planned after this. Her preschool is not continuing next year and I have to do a search for some place now for the fall and hope all the spots aren't already taken, I need to get summer plans before I pull my hair out, and I have to find the $ to do all this. Aaaaggghhhh!

Stress. Sigh.

06:13 am - Sleepness Nights

I walk around all day, my eyes opening a little less as each day passes. But yet, here it is at 6:15 in the morning, and I just cannot seem to sleep. The few hours I did sleep were filled with constant, vivid dreams. I don't remember much of them, but enough to keep me from feeling rested. Perhaps I can talk to my dr. (okay, I will be talking to my sister) about getting some prescribed assistance. Although, I don't know if I want to be drugged up.

I am so unsure of what if floating in my head. I so love and appreciate my family, but I so hate this constant state of flux. I don't know what is going on with Grandma. I want to spend time in the hospital with her, but I don't want her prolonged in a state pain, discomfort, and perpetual hold. She has been a fighter all her life. From the early years and her brothers being killed by the cossaks, to crawling up the loft to sleep curled next to the chimney to stay warm, to crossing the bitterly cold romanian mountains, having her sister sent back from Ellis Island to Germany where she would later be killed, to raising an amazing family here in the states. Just by the # of people sitting in the ICU waiting room at any given time, it is so obvious that she is loved.

My LA cousin was talking about how grandma was such a part of our lives growing up. Mind you, she did live walking distance, and we were so far away (8 miles) she was a constant in our lives. She didn't visit for the big things, she was there for everything. Every birthday, every recital, every stupid school play, when we lost a tooth, when our folks went on vacation it was her way we stayed. She took me to the ballet, accompanied us to shows, dinners, everything. Aw we got older, it was hard not going out on Friday night because dinner at Grandma's was a mandate. Later, compromise struck in and we could go to the football games after dinner. Friends always had to come in and say hi before ever leaving.

Grandma took me to Pirates of Penzance for my 16th birthday. She was there when I graduated high school, graduated college, moved to Pittsburgh, LA, got married, and was so anxious to meet my children. As the mind has been seeping out every year she has had a harder time remembering the names of her great-grandchildren...well damn, there are 17 of them. Miriam, though, she never forgot. My little Golda Miriam, named for her two sisters was a name she never forgot. Will she have a chance to remember it again? I don't know. I know that at nearly 35, I am so blessed to have had grandma for all these years. I would love a few more, but if she is needed to take care of my little boy and rejoin grandpa, then I am okay with that, too. It won't be easy, but I am so at peace with how much I have loved her and how much she is a part of all that I have become.

For those of you who have made it to the end of the post, I apologize for not using an LJ cut, but I am too tired now to look up how to do it. M - if you are reading this and wish to edit in a cut, I am cool with that.

My love to you, my LJ family.

12:18 am - Mercy

"Mercy" isn't that what we used to yell as kids when the play had gotten to the point that we quit? We used to play wrestle all the time, and somehow, I used to frequently be the "mercy" caller. I was tough, but just not a physical fighter. My fight strength was always more internal.

But, "Mercy" is what I shout today. Either that or just send me in a time machine to start this trip all over again. As if this weekend wasn't hard enough, my grandmother fell ill this weekend. Mind you, she is 97 and has lived an amazing life, has an incredibly huge family that stays close (just ask M!), and so many people who love her. Monday morning she had a massive heart attack, and after about 30 minutes of CPR was revived. She is currently on a respirator and has about 25% function of her heart. It has been a long and draining week waiting in the waiting room at the ICU. I don't know where my mother draws her strength from, but she must have shown me the way once.

I am planning on leaving for home this weekend, but nothing I have planned has been very meaningful lately. It just doesn't seem worth it right now.

OH, and to top it off, my gorgeous child (yeah, I know, which one!)decided it would be fun to drop Mommy's phone between the solid wood bench and the wall at the resteraunt tonight. I guess it isn't a new thing, cause the waiter seemed to laugh and say this wasn't the first time - but I would still have to wait until tomorrow afternoon when they could get someone in there to move the booth. Ugh!

WEll, it is off to bed for me. Tomorrow has to get better, right?

06:51 am - Sadness

A deep sadness fills my heart today. It is not my physical discomfort, my loss, regrets, or sense of what could have been, but the indescribable pain I see on my little girl's face. Her precious smile, youthful laugh, naive love of everything that has been replaced by trying to understand something she never should have had to. It is hard to go to a store and constantly say no, we can't buy that, but to tell her no, we can't have that now rips my deep inside.
I wish I could heal her pain and the pain of her daddy. I wish I could fill the wholes left behind in each of their hearts. I have such love for those I can now call "my family." Our little unit that we have created together, been raising together. We are, in this time of loss, really truly a family. Leaning on one another, recognizing that we each must grieve alone, together, and each in our own way. None of us entitled to more pain, or a greater sense of loss, but each of us recognizing and looking out for the sadness in each other.
The support we have received from family and friends has been incredible, and I know we will be looking for continued support as we return home.

Today, M & I will be going to the cemetary. Just us. I need him and I know he needs me. I have never loved him more than I do right now. He is a wonderful dad, husband, man, and friend. I truly cherish him in my life and the two beautiful lives he has given me.

10:04 pm

Wow, it has been a really long time since I hav eeither posted or read my journal. It is amazing how much mental and physical energy a one year old can zap from you. I think back at when Elyse was this age, and I remember being a basket case. She was on her feet all the time, in to everything, and always on the go. Now, having 2 with one in to everything - holy moly!

BB is growing well and gets regular check ups as I have a sono once a week these days. There is some concern he may be "large" but he is still within the 60th percentile - so obviously not as big as 40% of the other fetus' his age.

A friend wants to throw me a shower - don't know how I feel about it. Could be fun, but it feels kind of weird, too. Ah, what to do...

03:24 pm - testing

Just testing my upload ability.

09:35 am - It's a boy

Need I say more?

06:54 pm - Britney moment

Damn, I feel like a really bad Britney Spears joke. "Oops I did it again!"

I love my girls, I do. M is really developing an adorable personality and loves her big sister! But, damn, I was not ready for her to become a big sister already, but I guess I don't really have a choice!!

Yeah, yeah, I know...it is the 21st Century, sure I have a choice, but really, I don't. I know I could never live with the consequences of that choice. I know that it doesn't really matter what I plan in life, my life has always led me in the direction I am supposed to be going in. I didn't ever plan to move out west - sure as hell not out to kooky California. I never planned on seeing hardpoint a second time, let alone dating him, and would certainly not have planned on marrying him, but life has shown me the folly of my ways, the humor in my trying to plan. Bend, OR - yeah right...not on my radar, but would trade the experience for the world.

So, yeah, baby 3 is growing as we speak. Of course, I shouldn't be eating for 2, but damn if I don't seem to be hungry all the time...gotta get the freakin tester out of the garage again and kill the carbs - okay, just choose the good, non-processed carbs that have fiber and other good stuff....

btw, the doctor's range is Aug 5-10...but if baby 3 takes after baby 2, it could be early July - heaven help me!! Maybe baby 3 will really take after me and come late August. (I was 2 1/2 weeks late! - I knew I had a good thing, room, board, constant warmth, security, where was I in a rush to go?)

Current Mood: silly

12:10 am - Racism is Alive & Well

"Fighting Illini", o.k, I get it, the team is named after the tribes that once lived here. NCAA doesn't like the "Chief Illini." NCAA feels it is offensive. It is almost every night on the news. They show the mascot - guy in Indian head dress, dancing a "war dance." O.k. doesn't sit well with me - maybe, though the dance is based on this guy, maybe, somehow it was once respectful.

The news doesn't say anything other than the fact that people want to keep the Chief because, well, it has always been the chief, it's tradition. I finally got frustrated enough to look up the history online. Holy shit - There was no "Chief Illiniwek." There was no tribe, the "illni." The group of tribes in this area including the Cahokia, Kaskaskia, Tamaora, Peoria, and Michigamea were known as the illoinia.

The whole tradition of the chief, the dance, the war paint, etc. all came out of the 1920's. If the Walt Disney company could realize there was a reason to pull Song of the South, why can't the University - full of academic folk - realize that it may be time to shelve the chief? Why don't we have a bunch of big nosed Jews running around searching for pennies? Why don't we get a couple of black folk to pick some cotton? Or why not get a bunch of Italians to show up in mafia suits.

How can they not report on the fact that this history is tainted by a time period rampant with racism. Why fight so hard to hold on to something that isn't real?

11:10 pm - Resolutions

I am so thankful for my regular doctor's appointment! It may be cheaper than Weight Watchers, I'm not sure, but it is as effective. My stress induced anxiety keeps my blood pressure from keeping me on the weight meds, but at least it gives me a chance to say, "shit" I have got to get myself back on track.

I have made the following resolutions. Feel free to hold me to any of them:

1. NO Soda. I must give up the caffeine and the carbonation! Besides, there ain't nothing good in it.

2. I must get back to thinking about what goes in my mouth (well, that I swallow or CHEW).

3. I must not snack. 3 meals, with 2 mini meals/snacks and not just eat to fulfill boredom!

4. I have got to remember that I and my girls are worth it.

11:25 pm - What is an Adult?

How would you define ADULT?

I think I was an adult long before I hit puberty, long before I hit my "bat mitzvah" and long before I ever reached 18. I knew as a child I was older than my years. I anxiously awaited my physical self catching up to my mental/spiritual self.

What does it mean to you to be an adult? Did anything or any event propel you in to your "adulthood"?

Recently, I was reading a book for kids about becoming a bar/bat mitzvah. It spoke of the historical role of the rite of passage throughout history. It addressed the need that humans have to mark the change from the ordinary life of a child to accepting and understanding the difference between adolescense and adulthood. I fear that American life has lost the meaning or significance of marking this change. Forcing one to face the fear and the reality of growing up. Of course, we cannot send our youth out in to the woods, leave them to fend for themselves, face a bear alone, or find their way home. But what can we do to stress the need for change.

Is it so awful to be a grownup? Can one not be an adult and still have fun? Can one not face the world of responsibility and still enjoy a good time? Must one end for the other to begin?

Do we want to live our life with those who refuse to acknowledge that at some times being a grown up is a hell of a lot more fun than being the child that always needs a parent?

11:14 pm

Life has been stressful, lonely, and twisted. I am so thankful for my life here, now. I am so grateful for the friends I have made. I have such a world outside the walls of my home, that I can escape, can lean on those around me, and for that, I am forever grateful!

To know that as these aches continue to grow inside, left, unacknowledged, unnoticed, I know there are those of you out there I can turn to, can lean on. It has been so long since I have felt that.

Perhaps I will find the courage to confront these demons that are plaguing my mind...if only I knew I could enter the lair without the flames, the burning fires. If only I could enter the lair face my demon, and find the mask removed and my prince eager, willing and ready to embrace. Ready to pull out his sword and hunt for those other demons that follow me. Ready to protect and lead the way down the path.

06:22 am - Damn Food

I hate food. I have always had a love-hate relationship with food. I can't remember when I began using food as a source of comfort, but I always remember turning to it for soothing. After having lost between 40 & 50 pounds (after & before pregnancy weight), I have begun putting the weight back on. On again, off again and back and forth. I really want to make the lifestyle changes to maintain a healthy weight, and I think I am going to start really examining why I eat, and what the emotions are behind it.

I have to find a way to kick this habit. I have to find a way to live healthy for my girls and for me so that I can be with them as long as possible - in a healthy way.

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02:13 pm - I love this quote

David Kuo, former deputy director of the White House Office of Faith-Based Initiatives writes in his book "Tempting Faith: An Inside Story of Political Seduction":

"Every politician needs evangelicals. And like a teenage boy on a date with a beautiful girl, they will say anything and everything to get what they want."

06:22 am - 5-Things Meme

5-Things Meme
I've been tagged from a friend to do the 5-Things Meme! So here goes:

5 Things in my Fridge
1. milk
2. vanilla yogurt
3. green leaf lettuce
4. pickles
5. colby-jack cheese

5 Things in my closet
1. my new lovely plaid skirt
2. my old, way too baggy overalls
3. my daughters "take home" projects from last year's preschool
4. my foot bubble massager, aaaaahhhhhh
5. diapers

5 Things in my car
1. size 8.5 toddler running shoes
2. kleenex travel tissues
3. remnants of smoothie (still in a cup)
4. sunday school calendar
5. my grass stained running shoes

5 Things in my purse
1. my baby's gift cards (don't know what to get, yet)
2. pens
3. paper reciepts
4. checkbook & wallet
5. sunglass clip ons for my prescription glasses

5 People who are now tagged
1. hardpoint
2. citrinepoint
3. albertdeschesne
4. bringatowel
5. Surprise me :)

Current Mood: peaceful

07:32 am - Lucky & Blessed

Wow, 7:30, and i have been up for over an hour. The house is nice and quiet. I so cherish this quiet time to myself. Although I could probably go for a nap right now.

Having moved around so many times in the last 10 years, from the east coast to the west coast and back again, I think this is the first time I have lived someplace where I can say I have truly made friends in such a short time. Not just the acquaintances that you get together with every so often. Not the people that you invite over and have a "pleasant" evening but always have that wall of safety up, but the people that you can let loose, be yourself and just have a good time. Yeah, the floor hasn't been mopped, but it just isn't the issue.

There are times that I can't believe it has only been a year and a half that we were here. We had a 3rd birthday party here Thursday night and had 30 people! And, we had several who ended up unable to make it. How do we know so many already? Of course, it would have been nice to feed everyone before they left, but I can't change things that are out of my control.

Our friends are an interesting eclectic group of Jewish and non-Jewish, RPG lovers, and non-geeks, University professors, and mom & dads. I really miss my friends and life I had in LA, but it took me 6 years to develop all that I had out there.

Just feeling lucky and finally, at home. OH, yeah, and when relatively clean, I love my house. (Ok, the bank's house.)

09:55 am

Poll #843133 The Consensus
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 9

Should Sophie become a Pregent?

02:45 am - To adopt or not to adopt....

Should we take Sophie in? She will likely be orphaned - many in the family would like to give her to the SPCA. They claim she is unpredictable, growls and is unsafe to be around kids. She was here, in my house for 3 weeks. My then, nearly 3 year old chased her in the yard and they would run together. She was protective, loving, and yes, quite territorial when others came near us. But unpredictable, no. Object of fear, no.

She is a beautiful, large, black German Shepard. I need another dog like a whole in the head, but can I knowingly allow her to be given away to either some stranger or to an organization where her fate would be so uncertain?

Please - post your thoughts and comments. Would really like to know everyone's opinion on this one. (Even though my mother is saying that I am deliberately and knowingly going against her wishes...)

07:26 pm - Yucky

I am so tired of feeling down. I started on Tuesday/Wednesday with this stupid flu bug thing. Of course, HE was over it in 24 hours! And, he couldn't keep it to himself, he had to share. I am tired of feeling like praying to the porcelin god, tired of feeling dizzy, and tired of people asking if I am pregnant because I am a little sick.

I just want to get back up on my feet again, get back to getting stuff done, and not feel like my life is on hold while my body tries to figure out what is going on.

06:27 pm - So wrong

It is so wrong that I can see my husband dressing my daughter in this:

Sourpuss Clothing